Getting Real

Two years after Groundhog Day.

I am a fraud. I’ve been dishonest and it’s time to get real.

I write in a journal fairly often, but not consistently. Since starting my blog about 18 months ago I’ve published six posts. I’ve written a few more that I didn’t want to publish for one reason or another. I started this blog to put my thoughts down but also to get some hope out there about Rheumatoid Disease (RD or Rheumatoid Arthritis – RA). 

In my first post, “I’m Comin’ Out” I wrote something I still get and believe, but that I’d like to discuss again. I said that I had found a lot of negativity and whining on most of the online communities and blogs about RD. I said that I wanted this blog to be therapeutic AND helpful. I still believe that we need to stay positive. I still believe that reading too much about RD struggles can bring us down and is not helpful long term. However, with two years of this disease under my belt, I see things slightly differently. In my quest to be “inspirational”, I’ve sugar coated a lot of shit. I still want to focus on the positive, but it’s time to get REAL. The truth is, this can’t be therapeutic for me OR truly inspirational to my readers unless I am honest. 

This disease SUCKS!  I know that, for a lot of people, it sucks far worse than where I am but it sucks for us all. Even on good days, it slows me down and I spend more time and energy on dealing with the bullshit (medications, doctor and other medical appointments and bills, symptom tracking, hot baths, etc) than I ever imagined. I get really sick of it and it’s hard to be positive all the time. I’m honestly pissed that I have to go through it. I have been pissed for two years. I thought I had “paid my dues” having been in a motorcycle accident and all that those injuries took from me. After two years, I often wonder how I’m going to do this for the rest of my life.

My views on a lot of things have changed immensely. I’ve developed a sense of self-preservation and a desire to live NOW because my future is so uncertain. I am no longer putting things off that I previously thought I’d do when I retired. I’ve decided that being the teacher I have been in the past requires more than I’m willing to give now. I am going to leave the classroom and pursue other ways to use my passion for education. Bryan and I are thinking through some more drastic life changes that I’ll share more about later. I am going to spend more time doing what I want to do, instead of what I keep telling myself I should do. It turns out, I’m not a very kind boss (to myself).

There it is. I am not always positive. I get sad and angry at this disease and my circumstances. I vent to Bryan mostly, poor guy, and my sister and my best friend every now and then. Mostly, I just push it down and drive on because I know dwelling on it is no good. But I just want to be real. Faking it is exhausting and might even be discouraging to others who strive to be positive through their hardships. My hope is that allowing myself the grace to be honest will get me to write more, let go of more crap, and help at least ONE person with something they are going through.

P.S. Part of me being real and honest is not editing out my swear words. I cuss. Sorry, not sorry.