Life Four Years After Groundhog Day
Four years ago today, I received the stunning phone call from my doctor. It feels like yesterday and yet an eternity ago. I thought I had a thyroid problem. This. Was. Not. What. I. Expected. These past four years have also not been what I expected. I am shocked at how my life has changed since then. I am shocked at how I’VE changed since then, and not just in a physical sense. And most definitely not just in a negative way. As a person with an autoimmune disease, I have evolved a lot.
Last year I wrote a post about the three year mark and never published it. Upon reading it today, I laughed at myself because I wrote that I’ve been through the stages of grief and settled in acceptance. NOPE. It was not a lie, just my naivety or maybe my attempt at “staying positive”. The truth is, people with chronic progressive illness perpetually cycle through the stages of grief. Oh, I have accepted that I have RD, it took me three years to get there, but I no longer doubt the diagnosis. However, with each new manifestation of the disease, medication side effect or loss of function, the stages start over. That experience is not unique to me. It is common and a contributor to why people with chronic illnesses are at high risk for depression.
My husband and I went to Decadence to celebrate New Years Eve this year. Decadence is an EDM (Electronic Dance Music) festival. Our kids introduced us to EDM several years ago and it really grew on us and I freaking LOVE to dance. I always have. Decadence is a crazy fun way to ring in the New Year. We went two years ago and had a great time. This year was fun, but I was in a lot of pain and unable to dance, so much less fun this time. The “ball drop” was incredible though, just beautiful. At midnight on New Year’s Eve, we tend to look back and reflect and look forward to the next year with hope. I was so sad reflecting on what has become of my physical body and all of the activities that I’ve given up over the past four years. But at the exact same time, I realized that who I am has evolved in such a positive way. I am far more proud of who I am right now than I was the day I received that call. It is THAT fact that gives me so much hope for what is to come.
They say you never really get through grief. There is no other side. I’ve heard that in relation to grieving the loss of someone you love and I can definitely attest to that truth. I made the mistake of thinking that I would get through this grief and reach acceptance in relation to my health. But acceptance can be short lived. What I have accepted is that I will continue to experience new losses and feel those feelings again and again. That acceptance is so freeing. So freeing! Because part of what I’ve grieved is the loss of my naivety. The idea that I would just get old, doing whatever I desired and be happy to slow down as my body aged was completely naive. I am not sure that is how anyone ages. My experience is probably not significantly different than yours. Maybe it’s happening to me earlier or later, more quickly or in different ways than you, but we all get old. We all lose the ability to do what we love and it makes us sad. And that is OK.
With this knowledge, I go into this fifth year of living with rheumatoid disease with eyes wide open. I know there will be more difficulties and more grief, but I look forward to the ways that I and my life will continue to evolve. Stay tuned, because good things are coming!
