I’m Comin’ Out!

I’m coming out of the closet.  No, I’m not gay. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.)  I have Rheumatoid Arthritis. There! It’s out there. I have not been “in the closet” long; my initial diagnosis came on February 2nd, 2018. I am not ashamed of my diagnosis.  I just haven’t been in a place where I wanted to talk about it. This is partly because the diagnosis process has been a roller coaster ride. I usually LOVE roller coasters. This one? Not so much. There were some very scary low points in the past few months.  Moments of darkness where I felt completely alone and there have been high points when the diagnosis was questioned. Someday, I will write that story. Not yet. For now, I feel like I’ve pulled into the station and I’m wondering what next?

I made a very difficult decision in April.  I decided to pull back to teach half time. I made the choice to focus more on taking care of me.  I haven’t done that since I became a mother 23 years ago. Still, I LOVE teaching and I am hopeful that after I get my feet back under me I’ll be able to return to full time – if the right position presents itself.  (More on this decision later.)

I’ve also decided to start a blog.  After the shock of my diagnosis wore off, I started searching online for blogs or communities where I could learn about what my uncertain future might look like, where people would get what I was feeling and going through. I have found some comfort in what I’ve found but also a LOT of negativity and, I HATE to say this, whining.  Now, before you get angry, I KNOW I am being judgmental when I say that.  I don’t like how it sounds or feels when I say it. Those of us with rheumatoid disease – or any chronic illness – need a place that is safe to vent.  I just choose not to read too much of that because though it makes me feel not-so-alone, it also makes me feel sorry for myself and even more scared about my future and THAT is not helpful.

I have found journaling to be very therapeutic during difficult times in my life and this is one of those times.  So I’m writing for me, but also for others who may need to look at life with a chronic illness from a different perspective.  I can honestly say that I don’t know where this blog will take me. I know that I do NOT want to focus on my illness. I want to focus on LIVING.  So this blog will be what it will be. Which brings me to my blog title.

I mentioned earlier that I received my initial R.A. diagnosis on February 2, 2018.   Yep, I was diagnosed on Groundhog day, which is actually Rheumatoid Disease awareness day.  How’s that for ironic?  See where my blog title came from? Life After Groundhog Day. I think it’s pretty clever.  

They say there are moments in life that change you and your course and you can describe your life in terms of before and after that single moment – the birth of your child or death of a loved one.  In this case a medical diagnosis – not the worst diagnosis but a life changing one for sure, will not keep me from living.  It’s time to get on with it.