One Year After Groundhog Day
Anniversaries. We celebrate the good ones and we grieve the bad. On the anniversary of my Dad’s death every year, it’s like I am experiencing that awful day all over again. I hate it. I wish I could forget that day and the month leading up to it, but I can’t. Every year, it feels like it just happened, yet like it was a lifetime ago. I’m not sure I understand the power an anniversary holds. But it does.
Last week, on Groundhog Day, another powerful anniversary arrived. The one year anniversary of my R.A. diagnosis. It did not hold the power of a death’s anniversary, but it was definitely on my mind all day, all week, really. As I thought about this anniversary I realized that while it reminded me of a low point in my life, it also presents an opportunity. This is an opportunity to help someone else at the beginning of their journey. I thought I would share a few things I learned over the past year.
First, don’t look too far into the future. Take everything one day and one step at a time. While I was still on the phone with my doctor, my mind was already picturing my future – disfigured joints, constant pain and countless surgeries. The thing is, though, that is NOT my future. My future is not written yet. I didn’t have much factual knowledge about R.A. and what was possible. I needed to educate myself, which brings me to the next thing I learned.
Second, choose your sources VERY carefully and don’t overwhelm yourself. We have instant access to so much information online, but much of it is misleading or even blatantly incorrect. I spent an astounding amount of time reading everything I could find. There is a lot of alarming and contradictory information out there. There is a fine line between learning about your illness and overwhelming yourself and creating fear so ask your doctor for sources that (s)he recommends and stick to those.
Third (and fourth), find a rheumatologist you are comfortable with and who listens and be your own advocate. When I went through the referral process, my first rheumatology appointment was scheduled for over three months after my suspected diagnosis by my primary doctor. One thing that I’ve read over and over is how important early and aggressive treatment is. I did not accept that I’d have to wait three months for treatment. I denied the original referral, researched rheumatologists in my area and was able to get in much sooner – two weeks later instead of three months. I have been very happy with my rheumatologist and if I weren’t, I’d find a new one.
Last, give yourself grace. Allow yourself to grieve. Even though I realize that my future is not written, I do know that there will be struggles that I wasn’t expecting. There will be things I can’t do that I once could or planned to do. It is OK to be sad and/or angry. I’ve been through all the stages of grief and back and forth between them several times in the past year. It is normal and I just let myself feel it, I talk about it, I write about it. Find your outlet or coping strategy and use it.
Finding out that I have a chronic illness was not my best experience, but looking back, I can see there were things I did right and things I should have done differently. I hope that someone who needs to hear this is comforted by the fact that it gets better. You learn as you go and you find ways to help yourself. You can and WILL still live a great life.
