Power Struggles
I must admit that I am a control freak. I have learned, in certain areas of my life, to let go of that a bit. Kindergarten, for example, is no place for someone who seeks to control. The past eight years would have driven me insane had I not let go of my need to control everything. Have you ever spent time in a class of 4-6 year olds in August? There is no controlling that.
In my personal life, however, I have always sought control. Some of my greatest accomplishments have been a direct result of this trait – earning two bachelor’s degrees, running a marathon. I like to set goals, develop a plan, execute the plan and accomplish the goal. That’s kind of how I work. (I’d love to say that my control issues helped me raise my kids, but honestly, raising kids also challenged that part of myself. Once again, children, especially mine, will not be controlled. Do not kid yourself.)
The first five months after my RA diagnosis, I found myself struggling with the ultimate lack of control. Suddenly, no matter how well I had taken care of myself – the healthy diet, exercise, vitamins & supplements…none of it mattered. There I was with the diagnosis of a chronic illness that I felt like I had NO control over. I was at the mercy of a (kind and compassionate) doctor and prescriptions for drugs with very long and scary lists of side effects. I was afraid to take them and afraid to not take them. I felt so entirely powerless.
I took the meds, some helped, others made me sick. I felt better, yet worse and I had no idea what else to do. I began having heart palpitations. One incident scared me enough to mention it to my Rheumatologist. He referred me to cardiology where I had an abnormal ecg and more tests were ordered. Nearly two months later, I found that I have a “young and healthy heart” and the palpitations are from stress. WOW! I made an immediate attitude adjustment.
It is true that I cannot control my illness or whether this or that drug is going to be the one to get my immune system under control. But I CAN control my response. Instead of dwelling on the negative, I have begun to focus on what I CAN control.
I CAN get up every day and exercise – every day may not be a high energy and low pain day, but I can go for a walk, if nothing else. On the good days, I push myself more.
I CAN make my diet a priority. I can plan healthy meals, shop and food prep so I am not eating processed crap, but instead filling my body with what it needs to fight. I recently started eating a ketogenic diet.
I CAN give myself some down time and stress relief. A friend told me a few months ago to do something I love every day. It was some of the best advice. Seemingly simple, but HUGE if you implement it. For me it usually involves music and nature.
I CAN give myself the grace I give others all the time. I can let myself make mistakes without dwelling on them or beating myself up over them. I am doing my best to drop the need for perfection in everything I do and let “good enough” be good enough. I can take the time to rest and recuperate from anything that has been too much, whether it was a hard week or just a hard morning.
I CAN stop overthinking the joy out of my life. This one is hard and I’m currently working on this.
There is no cure for Rheumatoid Arthritis. This is something I will live with for my entire life. I also have osteoarthritis in several joints and have joint replacement surgery in my (hopefully distant) future. My plan is to take the best possible care of myself and do all of the things I love while I still can.
In the past few months, I have seen improvements in my energy levels, cognitive functioning and digestion. I’ve also lost a few pounds in the process. (Which is nice because quite a few crept on while I was feeling like shit.) Is it the meds, the positive attitude, the keto diet or the exercise? Yes, all of that. The point is, when I started focusing on how I respond to my situation instead of focusing on what I couldn’t do, things started changing for the better.
I think we all have things we struggle to control. What is your power struggle?
